Bellow Falls, epicenter of the golf universe!

 Feeling a bit restless, and bored with playing the same old course week after week, I got in my luxury 2011 Nissan Sentra and drove up the highway to the fantabulous, wonderful Bellows Falls Country Club for what turned out to be one of the most enjoyable rounds I've played this year. 

Ah, Bellows Falls. Consistently listed in the top 10 Most Mediocre Towns of the United States, it's truly an odd little village. It doesn't know if it's Bellows Falls or Rockingham, first of all, and the town itself has a similarly schitzo personality; the lovely tree-lined streets with handsome old Victorian houses hide a decades-long festering drug problem, crime is high, domestic violence is the town hobby, and a lingering morose,  apologetic air hangs over the entire village. Not as big or self-important as Brattleboro, 30 miles to the south, Bellows Falls just takes up space that might be better devoted to maple trees and fields. 

Even the town center is undecided. A single block of Main Street is all there is; at one end could be an attractive little plaza but is mostly parking and features a Subway sandwich shop; at the other end Main Street loses itself in a fork in the road, with neither option really leading anywhere. You could go down hill to what could be a pretty waterfront if anyone cared, or you can continue what could be Main Street if there were anything "main" about it, but a pawnshop, a couple of very seedy bars and a gas station are the only offerings. The Connecticut River runs alongside, but it's almost completely ignored in favor of the dingy brick buildings and wheezing businesses. The best thing about Bellows Falls is if you spoonerize the name you come up with Fellows Balls, which, if you're a middle-schooler, is extremely funny. Fellows Balls! Ha ha! 

However, the depressing dinginess and lack of personality that characterize the village are completely redeemed by the Bellows Falls Country Club, truly one of the coolest nine holes you're ever likely to play.  Read some of the online reviews and you'll find words like "gem," "masterpiece," "a must-play jewel." No hyperbole here, this is just a near-perfect golf course. 

The first hole swings a bit to the left; I wouldn't exactly call it a dog-leg since it's not as angled as a pooch's limb, more like an octopus-leg. Oh, by the way, I was watching the US Open with interest, and enjoyed the battle between the monstrous Bryson DeChambeau (surely one of the golfiest of names) and the kid, Matthew Wolfe. (Has anyone thought to give ol' Bryson a steriod test? Do they do that in golf? I mean the dude built up in a matter of a few months! While we mortals were streaming Schitt's Creek he was lifting weights in a big way; his build now looks suspiciously like Mark McGwire. In fact, let's take a look at some before and afters, shall we? 

 Hmm. Suspicious. I wonder if McGuire can hit a golf ball as far as Bryson. 

Another thing I observed watching the US Open was the extremely unconventional swing of young Matthew Wolfe. I went out in my back yard to practice my swing, as I am wont to do, and I wondered about his swing. I discarded the little thing he does with his right leg before the backswing, because that seems like an affectation, but I tried the bit with raising the heel of my left foot with the backswing so that you're right up on your toes like a ballerina. Here's the thing, though: I noticed that as I put my heel down during the swing it automatically jump-started my hip rotation in a pretty big way, and that's a good thing. As Ben says, the faster your hip rotation, the more power you have in the swing. It's all in the hips. 

Anyway, I thought about all that, and as I addressed the ball ("Hello, ball!") on the first tee at BFCC, I thought I'd give the Wolff approach a try, see what happened. And you know, it was a pretty good ball. I don't know if it went much further than my usual tee shot, but I think it looked cool, and that's what's important, right? And the hips did swivel nicely, and the ball went very straight. 

My friend Adam once told me that a lot of golfers have 1st-tee yips, that sometimes it can be hard to get a good swing on that first tee. Oddly, with me it's the opposite. I very often hit a very tasty ball on my first shot then it goes downhill from there. Yesterday was no different; the first shot was straight and long, landing about where I'd hoped, just on the right side of the fairway with a good setup for a second shot to approach the green. I took that second shot, gave the 5-iron a chance to shine, and hit it pretty well though a bit to the left. Turns out this was a mistake. When I went to locate the ball I discovered it sitting in the middle of a big old fairway bunker that I didn't know about. Who put that there? Why do they hate me so much? But I remembered that those fairway bunkers you have to just pretend you're not in a bunker and hit a regular shot, not like a greenside bunker. So I grabbed my wedge and hit an extremely lovely shot that went onto the green. How about that? Couple of putts and I bogeyed the first hole. A good start. 

The second hole at BFCC is one of the great par-5s in the universe. Pretty long, it goes gently up then gently down, then more urgently up (don't get sea-sick) then over a rise to this amazing, weird, bizarre tea-cup. Strangest thing you've ever seen. 

You can't see it from the fairway, indeed you can't see it until you are standing on the edge of it, so your approach has to be blind and done with a prayer to the Golf Gods. I played the hole badly, a poor drive then a couple of miserable 5-hybrid shots, one decent shot, then a couple of hopeless wedges trying to coax the ball over the rise into the teacup. Came away with an eight, and I'll play it better next time. 

Third hole is a strange little par-3. You're standing on a ledge about 60 feet higher than the green, wondering what club to use. I should have used a 6, since my shot was short by about 15 yards. I executed a fine bump-and-run to get on the green but wasted my efforts by putting thrice to come away with a regretful 5. 

Fourth is the other signature hole on the course, one of the strangest par-3s you're likely to see. You stand on a high ledge, and the green is way away over an incredibly deep ravine. I looked down into the pit and saw three dragons, a couple of ugly ogres and I think it was Sasquatch looking for a lost ball. It says it's 172, but that ravine is so deep and scary the green looks like it's in another time zone. There is a drop zone for pussies, but not being a pussy I decided to man up and try to hit it across the ravine. Used my metal 5-wood and hit it well; distance was good, direction was not. It flew over the ravine but off the cliff off the left of the green. Figuring that ball was a goner I tried again and this one had good distance too but flew off to the right. Damn, I wish the golf balls would go where I want them to go! Scuttled around the ravine to the green and looked for my second ball but I think it bounced into oblivion; I couldn't find it. Walked over to the other side of the green, looked down and there was my first ball, about 40 feet down a gully, sitting there all by itself with the saddest expression. "Please don't leave me here, Dave," I could clearly hear it saying, so against my better judgement I clambered down the cliffside, endangering my life and limb, and saved the poor ball. It seemed grateful and obliged with a nice chip from a drop zone and 2 putts in for a 5, counting the penalty for OB. Climbing back up that cliffside was an adventure in itself, and on the way I found two abandoned balls, so I came out ahead. 

Five is another unique hole. Tee box is high up from the fairway to a narrow landing area between the forest and some trees. You have to get it just right or you're done, because there's a little dogleg right to a blind green. I hit it ok with my 3-iron, then got in my cart and navigated down a winding path to the fairway. My ball was snuggled right up against a tree, a terrible lie, but fortunately as I neared it I saw a little wood nymph scurry out from the forest and kick my ball about three feet into the fairway, which made for an easier second shot - on the green in three, but then the efforts of myself and the nymph were wasted again by 3-putting for a 6. 

Sixth hole is a longish par 4 with a plateau about halfway in. Objective is to clear that plateau; I didn't, but still played it pretty well until the green where I three-putted again! Oh how I hate 3-putting! Grrrr! Drives up your score and it's just frustrating when you play pretty well and deserve a bogey but miss that one putt by 2 inches. Putting, right? 

Next comes a long par 5 with another plateau halfway in. Strange stuff. The way this course uses the terrain is wonderful and confounding, but I played it well enough for a bogey, my first in several holes. Couple of sweet wedge shots, which are a part of my game which is improving this year. 

The eighth hole is the least demonic of the course's par-3s, a pretty little thing with a slopey green. Unfortunately they put in very strong ball magnets on either side so my two tee attempts were both pretty poor, though I did hit a good shot with my sand wedge to gain the green. 

The final hole is as beautiful as the rest of the course, a 327-yard delight. If  you are brave enough to hit from the he-man white tees you tee off from a completely blind point and must use the stars to navigate where you ball must go. If you're an old-fart duffer like me (ok, I'm a pussy) you hit from the red tees and you can actually see the fairway ahead of you. I played the hole pretty nicely and managed a par with a sweet 12-foot putt to finish the day with a flourish. 

A wonderful course and I'll be back soon.